Melancholia baby

It is fall
The season where reminders are numerous
Where places recall memories
Where loneliness is emphazised
Where tears come easily to the eyes

Some will won't be fulfill
Some nightmares are nor here
I wish I couldn't be this melancholia baby

My pen release my pain
But it join paper to explain
The light can be found
If we hang on

The whistling guy

Don't forget
Girl who seems to be quiet
Is a real roaring lion with a strong character

So when you look at me whistling
Look out I will yield and be angry
I am not a feminist
But I can love that
I am not a thing I am human
I am a sister a daughter a cousin
I can bear children
I am not a thing to play with

I am a WOMAN
A real one trying to take a place in this world
That make me proud to be me
A quiet proud girl walking in the street
And who met you whistling at her!


It is a common fact that some men whistle after women! I am not beautiful but really I admit I hate guys whistling at me when I walk in the street and I go away but really angry by this behavior! I am a woman not a thing!!!

A late 80's child

Heart's singers Ann and Nancy Wilson

 

I am a late 80's child
I am around 30
And single
Hearing oldies and asking myself
Why couldn't be older
Loving Heart Queen and rock of the 80's

I am a Y child
Playing sonic games
I have handed an old game boy
I have handed a Sega and a game gear

I am free like the wind
I love to retire to these old world
And I don't care if you think I am too old
The bashing don't make me feared
What you think is your choice
I love slidding guitar and load bass sounds
I got to use to old black pants but got back to line
Getting family at my age
And sometimes I feel alone
But I am very proud to be me

A late 80's child !!!


To an US artist inspired by Heart Ileana 
Please check her blog 

No way to be romantic again!!!!

I cannot be yours
My heart Brocken in many pieces is not in full recovery
I don't know what to think letting all that going
Being reluctant you cannot be mine

Thinking I am not a real woman
Even I am surely to some others a very good friend

I messed up to fall in love with you
I keep for myself this pain
Love is blind do we say commonly

I am a jerk I was mistaken
I won't be romantic as normal girls are
I will be more pragmatic
I won't let me lead only by physical appearance

love left me a kind of bitter sensation
I couldnt believe in this
As it let me so sad and also so in confident about me

So romantic isn't a state of mind I can afford myself
Because I cannot believe in love again

Pain can be so ache

I never felt this to a friend before
You are so young but also so ill
That let my heart Brocken
You dear sweet friend
That I know freshly
I felt very bad when I heard about it


I can hide my feelings I have cried to you
Pain can be so ache by an empathic person
You are young trying to recover

 I know you need my warm support
My tender care love like an old sister you don't have
 I try to archive this to let you feel console and helped



To amandine ♥

Come

Come
Come my love
I am weak
I am feeling bad
I need your arms

Come my love
Come
I wanna feel smooth care
I am a sad person
I lead fight against myself through words

Come
Come my love
I am ready to welcome you
In my life

the light shine

The light shine
I didn't remember that was good
The light shine
The way you go
But to me I didn't remember how to live

The light shine
While fall rising
My mind wander but I smile

The light shine
As I find a purpose to live

Finally !!!

I got a smile
I got good day

I got a surprise yesterday
I saw a friend that longtime I met
I got an appointment to a job

That was a lighting day
A good day
As I didn't remember when I have got some

I have to thank God...

Music can heal pains

I have the chance to know someone who is an artist. He is a concertist and play piano my favorite instrument. I met him after a religious meeting as we share the same believes.

I have to translate him a letter to his German friend and I have wrote him a letter. I don't love to write about my pains and ache. I just said to him that in the past I loved to sing and to hear piano or violin sounds.  It is probably because strings let me thrill and feel deep things. I just ask him for help...I hope he will have a little time to share with me piano plays. Maybe he will do something almost to let me feel better. I also said to him that I get troubles battling against anxiety and depression. I hide to much things to my friends...I have to trust them to tells I don't be that I am really.

The only thing is that he is a busy man ...I just hope he will almost say me OK I understand!

For my part I think that art in general can heal a lot of things...even the deepest one. Music can help to take away panic attack, painting make me feel very quite and writing make my mind clear of bad thoughts!

So I state that Music can heal pains!

Just a dream

I saw you at a stopbus
You were like a skating boy
Cap of New York on your head

I jut looked at you
And said what a blast
Your bleu eyes Brown hair
Tall and with kind of muscles

You smiled at me
I blushed a little

Then my hour stop all
Time to wake up
You were jut a dream

Waking up early in the morning

Waking up early...
My body hurt
It is due to overstress

My eyes shut
I imagine some foreign countries
I imagine smells and cooking
I imagine some friends

Wake up early in the morning
And try to motivate myself to be in good mood

Hard when all wasnt gone the good way

 Walking
Seeing people
I just wanna feel alive
I try to not destroy me
With bad emotions and thoughts

Hard when all wasnt gone the good way

I don't count
How many tears fallen down
Thinking of things I left behind
But I try to construct new

I know I will going through
No experiences are really bad
I just fear things
But as a lion in a savanna
My heart roar
I yearn after new projects
I will step back
To forget everything that make me cey

Under my feets

Under my feets
There are plenty unspoken things
Some uncouncious matters to solve

Under my feets
I get some words to express
What so called depression
 Under my feet's
There is a will
To be better to smile

panick attack

My breath shorten
My mind disconnected of my body

What happen to me?

I felt like some others day
Bad but...I live with

I try to keep my mind in order
Just some minutes to take away
This panick attack
By hearing music
I wanna cry
It is sometimes too much
I just want to stop this

I am very tired
Fighting but what to do instead

I let him go
And I feel alone
He don't catch it at all

I hope it will end soon or later
To take a normal breath
To smile

No shame to be depressed

Today I feel very upset...my doctor don't think I make a real depression. She said it was only a fact of body which don't tolerate gluten. I reacted strongly...and said okay then it last  at least 8 months...why don't she tell me that earlier.
I was sad and angry...this time I wanna fight and the only professional I trust...let me down.

I realized a few days before that was real depression...saying this...all said not really...getting the best treatment isn't easy. I also feel that in my mind many issues from the past cross into like things that wasn't solve. But people who lived things in my family are dead. I am not ashame I wanna be better I wanna go through...to make my life. My family get also changes and I put all my forces in the battle to go ahead as well all my family members. I failed...I wanna make the process differently...

I am deliberately smiling and saying all okay...even some of my close friend don't know...what I really feel inside me. Only some can understand and I am thankful that I met and trust this wonderful people.

I read that some people get the same symptoms as me...I was pretty ennoyed at the beginning...but I assume it now. I am convinced I can win...the time to adjust will be very long...I know I can't help myself alone. It isn't the best time as I just go to the labor agency...as I am jobless.

But I also put that in God's hands. The almighty will help me as he did by the past...somehow I just get a bad time in my life...

I also look out the resilience word and find very interesting that writting is a very good things to do to recover slowly and to become more resilient!! As its part of my hobby I will follow this. I have almost 3 works in process and this blog... Believe me or not ...I will finish all! Just a matter of time!

So time to breath and solve the matter as I can.

I just say "no shame to be depressed" because we can go through!


Small thoughts to C.ML and to S.M who help me as I try to get it step by step!

State of mind...

How is that possible to be so upset ?
How is that possible tears come each day on a face?
How could this happen?
How people perceive this person?

Maybe because this person let go
Maybe because he is tired to battle since a long time

It is causing him to be very anxious ans sad
While others make their life better than he did

His body say hey I am here I suffer too much help
His mind say I don't know what to do
His heart say I can't help anymore

His friends say I am here to help you
His writting tell let go

Depression say let see if you'll win

A message in a bottle

Sadness my dear
You can't imagine
How it is hard to deal with
I hope you won't know this

You'll go making your life and I respect your choice
But I wanted you by side by a stormy weather

Maybe later you will understand
Maybe now it isn't time

I love you
Even I am in pain
I will miss you
And I won't tell you
I don't want to disturb you

Sadness my dear
Isn't to those who are confident
It is for those who fear
As I see you are not fearing
I find that good
Because you are young
And the life has to be lived fully at your age

Maybe I lost all my innocence
Maybe I have done my life

But as your old sister
I write this and put it in a bottle
And throw it in the river




To my brother

How to end this ?

I just guess myself
While i feel emptiness
How will this ended

I feel I have too work on it
But its like a mountain

I just wanna cry and yield
Why me why now

I have to find resilience
In myself and alone

My creative mind will save me
I fight but is that the best way to do
To overcome things I live

I am so troubling that sometimes
Cries and tears sorround me
I am resignated...
I don't have choices
But I just wanna know how to ended it

Berlin

Where is my power to be back? 

This city call me 

In all  it is coming back

Why?

Why?

Should I remember 

The smell of a bretzel 

And a coffee of Starbuck in alexanderplatz

I remember my cold hands bringing back a curry

Innocent and naive

I hoped I could be back

But life run in another way

I let my tears go 

In the streets 

Seing him in one picture

I know all the time I do this

My heart ache move in and move back

I prefer dreaming to be back

To let me get a small space of peace

Even if I know I won't be back

One day in a park

As very often I walk in this small park he isn't very huge but a kind of peaceful. I love writing there.

Here you have the way it look out: its jardin Francois Sicard.

So last June I searched to move out of my house and I realize I could find peace there!

So I went very often there and I state that many people ever the same come to this park. I decide to write on a sunny bank.

One day come a noisy young couple fighting. I thought that it will end in this park. Here is the story.


I heard you in the street speaking out loud after him
You were very angry
You spoke English as I understood
You boyfriend spoke about money
You spoke about love

I heard all
I was near the fountain on this sunny bank
After almost 20 minutes
I was writing a letter to a friend
I just look at the fountain
And I saw you were sitting on grass
He tried to kiss you

I thought in my mind
Let him consolate you
You make noise what a pity
Let him learn how to treat you better
Let him show he care
Stop yelling...

I wanna go to tell you
To forgive him
But as I don't know you
I didn't
You never came back on this park
I hope one day you'll be back with him
To show me he cared

a four hand piece

This is a work that one friend ask me to realize, here is the four hands poem...we made. She went blank a few years ago...I give her my words.

Bold=my friend
The rest = my words

I know you will recognize yourself! Love you! Yeah I did it! Challenge done! B-)

At night I wake up with heart ache stressed and depressed. So much pain and I know who's the blame. I wish I could be free and be the real me. Oh how beautiful my life would be if i could just be free to be me.

It is now morning I walk near you but I have the feelings to be in a dream. As my heart ache I wanna hide. Do you see what I say? Do you realize than I am not me anymore? Do you feel it? 

I just look on the dark lake of depression. I feel nothing left than death...but I wanna hide you all. But with kind words you are able to console me. You put your arms around me saying my dear could I free you of your pain? I understand your feelings...

I feel you are like an angel. I feel I am not alone anymore.

None is to blame as you free me.

***** a 5 stars from my friend ♥ 

Optimist

I dream to be in a noisy place surrounding  by friends
To laugh and get a long drink
Singing along with some buddies
Writing some piece of poetry
Going to some town I Never known before
Traveling with my passport
In the other side of the ocean

Right now I just check my window
Saying why
Staying here without plan
Right now I just smile
Saying the optimist say all won't be worse so long
As I look a piece of blue sky

Strong ?

Strong you say me you are strong
If you could see how I feel weak
How my heart hurts
How my thoughts are bad
How I cry in my bed saying why

Strong you say me
No I save me through a smile
A gentle word

But inside I am dark
I wanna stop all this mess
I feel me like romantic heroin
My life could be happier if I was different
But till my tender age I feel things deeply

I just open my hearts to some people
But they don't understand me at all
My life isn't theirs
They think they can care
They think they know me
In real they see my strong face
My weakest stay in my heart
I am maybe too proud to let it appear
I prefer crying in the dark alone in a corner
I just recognise that some of my friends didn't realize
How my sadness is strong
But I don't care now
Whose wanna be by my side they will
The others will go and never come back

I say time to go I don't have regrets for those who left
That let me angry as they tell me they won't but do the same thing
They push me back aside because they don't realize some facts

But I won't change for those who cannot forgive
And I won't change to please people h
I am me and I assume my choices

The weak and the strong
The real me that won't change so much


I left a friend behind me that hurt but life goes on time to go!!!

Power of words

If I were a fairy
Maybe I will be the one with a pen
To erase all pains from soften hearts

If I were a fairy
I would be the one who cares of the feelings
Of people

But I am a writer
A simple writer who tend to be somewhere
To know its real value
To know he can understand someone else
Despite its own trials and anxious thoughts
Even he is gifted
As he gently healed some painful heart
He feel stronger and happier
He forget for a moment his pain
He never know where hois words go
It is just powerful to heal

He sometimes writes at a stop bus
In a park at home
His words are sparkles of power
He wanna spread somewhere to someone in need
With love and tender care
He dreams
He live to give power to words
As he knows his world collapsed slowly
He protect himself writting
To let his anger flying
His feelings be healed as well

As he knows how much power words can get


Hey,
Readers I really go under a new storm please don't judge book by its cover...as my talent come from my pain and anxiousness ...I assume that fact as I am a sensitive woman so don't hurt me don't leave me bw my supporter...I recently feel I have to refine my way to live...to get friends so I try to do this but its a very hard trial writing is my only way to go...and I just realize that comes back after several years of white page !! I am an artist you know some are hypersensitive I assume that by writting so!

Don't judge  me 
Don't use me 
Don't hurt me 

Ann'

I never

I never knew my friend
This deep happiness I got with you
My eyes shine as you were by my side
Each time I read you

I feel such understanding
I feel free to say you
What i feel inside and what it is so deep

I never knew my friend
Such goodness and kindness
I never regret the time I said
I am useless
Now I know it wasn't true
I understand that I have to hold on
Only to the time I wrote you this email
As I was depressed

I never knew I could be so useful
I never knew how I could be suportive
I never knew you needed help

Maybe now it is time to fight again
To all these things you bring me
To all the kind words you say

Just thanks to share
To smile when I make jokes
To be with me as supporter
Even far from me!!!

To C.M. of Detroit ♥ USA

You are fabulous ...my dear never give up ♥

something wrong

A long time ago I could smile and enjoy the life. Now it is different. Is it wisdom of years past to grow or just my way to seem quiet?

I searched perfection... I find nightmares. I fall in deep anxiousness...and don't wanna talk to none what happen. I am nomore acting but only observing. What I feel is that some of my friends understand a half of what I live but it is already something.

I just guess why I can't eat and sleep properly. All contrarieties block me and stomach ache increase. I try to calm me walking and going to parks seeing people moving. And sometimes I write my feelings only to stay alive!

I just realize something is wrong in my inner side. I wanna move ahead...but something block me. I have to discover what.

We use the world wide known DEPRESSION word maybe it is time to me to say it is by me so! I hope than my words will save someone elsewhere to fight!

Demons inside me

(I am who I am...just want it flow somewhere...maybe here it is better)

I feel a volcano inside me
A real deep pain
Stomach get wrisle
I miss my power to get normal things in life

I say I am OK but I am not
Demons inside me are acting
It is rough and painful
Sometimes I wish to dye to release from pain
I got through this before

I feel useless
What to bring when you are depressed
You wanna be in shadow
You wanna stay in a corner
Not saying a word
Even people tends to be with me

I am fabulously acting
To hide it
I am searching to seem good
What a fate and pride
What I really want is to feel the comfort
Of a friend...to feel the care of him

Demons inside me are acting
And I wanna still break from them

let me go

Images of travelers on my mind
Sadness engulf my heart
I'm prisoner

I want to go far away
To find peace and calm

Images of foreign countries
Give me a shoot of freedom

I just want to go
I was to yield
I am bad but I don't know how to tell it
So intense and deep
So hard to say I get enough of all

Let me go
Let me travel
Let me free

my English garden

My english garden is
The place of all possible

I try to imagine it and I find peace in my heart
I know nothing disturb this peace
I have around me friends books
A place to be
A place to dream

I just keep it in mind when I am sad
I just hope in this way

In my English garden you can find
A balancelle
A table and some chairs

A small place where there are a fountain
And some lotus
Some trees in the background
And the lighting of the sun in a morning

Remember..

Remember as Perec said...
Remember the last time you smile
Remember the last time you enjoy sun

Remember the time past the present
To construct your future

Remember....

When a friend spoke and save my life

(Real part of my life that happened to me last April!)

That was on a Sunday evening. I didn't met my friend as we have settled so she called me.

Before hanging on, I was surprised who was calling ? It was her. We get a 45 minutes call (which is a lot!).

I found peace after this.

At that time I was so discouraged sad and frustrated. During pur talk she spoke about her try to kill herself and...that was an electrochoc. She told me it was a bad idea to try.

I have to thank God who send me this friend of my road! I couldn't bear the deep sadness of my heart and I just wanted to dye. This is my way to say help me! I cannot support this pain anymore! And...as a miracle what I tried to say with other persons worked...she just heard me...without saying a word...without judgment...and I felt understood.

Some days ago I realized that while writing her letters. She helped me to heal myself!

I understand why I feel next to her even she could be my old sister! I don't know her a lot...I just feel things ache in her life! Slowly, I will discover...all.

I just wanna say her in my mother tongue:

"Merci de m'avoir parlé ce dimanche là ! Je me suis sentie à l'aise pour te dire les choses, tu m'as sauvé la vie et tu m'as aidé à me battre à nouveau!
Je te promet de toujours t'écrire mes lettres, je te promets de rire et de me reconstruire pour être ton rayon de soleil quand tu auras besoin!"

Sad feelings can't be ignored a long time

I read in a book the way you say it
It is welcome badly by others
But it is maybe be better to know the ache of a friend

If I ignore my sadness
How could I heal it?
If I smile when I just want to cry
If the time let me be mad of things I cant solve
If the day came where the life made a stop

For one moment I ignore the pain
To write that my devilish me
Is just the way to say I have to struggle
Maybe I cannot tell
I know you will fear to me

The Mighty one care
And know my ache
He will make me strong
I try to let go

Just with you

Walking on the sand
Hand in hand
Synchronized breath
A kiss
A I love you

It will be just with you
Happy way to be

You wander in my dreams
You wander when I am sad
With this happy face I remember

I want to tell you
The truth of what I feel
But you are in Berlin
I am in France
1200km from me

Devilish me

I need a good beer and music
I need to smile
My heart inside explode
While I do as it didn't

Yeah fighting
Yeah its easy to say

But do you understand what I feel?

My world collapse
I try to give my utmost to others

I feel loosing my mind
My thoughts as darker than ink
I cannot change what ever was
In my deeper character

Let me be...
Let me be.....

I need a ray of light
An hope and help
My devilish side keep me angry
I get back anxiety
Sometimes I just want to put all away
Saying why me!?

Just let me be...
Let me be...

Even the brave can be defeated!

This is sometimes what happen to the brave

When they fought are tired enough

To think giving up 

Things they fight for!

Only people who got such bad time 

Can understand what I mean!

But happily a friend stand on the road and say hang on!

Because he fight too!

To Lyn

If you were by my side

If you were with me
The life could be different
My harsh feelings could be balanced
My tears could be vanished

The life decided in another way

If you were here
Maybe I don't feel old too much
Maybe a secure feeling can be with me
A sharing a smile
But only one pair of shoes go together
You can't be mine

I shut my heart my soul
Maybe it is a mistake
Maybe it is foolish

But a heart who suffer too much
Hide itself to cry!

Unsecure and fearing

I feel insecure
Nothing can cure
Me
I fear without saying

People...just look at my first skin
The black part of me doesn't exist
Or is just hdding behind a smile

Hypersensitivity
Is my real me

At that time I search balance
Like the funambule on his wire

I try to keep my mind safe
Sometimes dark thoughts engulf me

Some of my friends say hang on
Don't fall

I just feel tired too much
I just think to be safe
I just want to fight
But my body don't

I fear to fall down
To not focus on the wire
To let my dark me take all the place

I just want this nightmare finish YET!

Oasis

A precious talk
A warming smile
A helping hand
While you live hardship
Is that friends give you

You were there
When they needed
Now they want to repay you

This is like oasis in the desert
A small time to keep quiet
To get a rest
Before the next battle

To my friends new or old thanks for the support you give me ! May God give you strength too!

Don't!

Don't forget
Don't weep
Don't mourn

Life can be happiest
If you have your friends by your side

Don't pretend
Don't be shy

Because people have to know you
Even that mean bad side of yourself
Real friends never leave you

Don't forget to share
Don't forget to smile
Don't forget to leave fully

Because life don't wait to be lived fully!

11 in the morning

11 in the morning
Friday

Missing friends but...hoping
Making the program of my day even there is a very grey sky
Welcoming my stress as usual and quiet as possible

11in the morning
Friday

People speak about what they will do
While you dream of peace

Life will be

I welcome the life has it is
I have to stay strong despite bad mood
And even I loose my temper or get bad thought s

Life will be better soon
Life will move
All depend of me

I have to hope
I have to fight one more time
Even bad energies

Life will be better soon
Life will move
All depend of me

I have to welcome my feelings
I have to plan projects
I have to find back confidence

Life will be better soon
Life will move
All depend of me

A part of me

A small light
After a long night
A drink but light
After a fight

Never longer annoyed
Never blind
Never unhappy

Just time to recover
Just time to restore
A part of me!

QUestioning

I want too write in french maybe because it is my mother tongue.
Maybe I can find the fine words I don't use in English.
My mind is messy nothing can remedy.
I have lost my hope and smile for a while to give you these lines.
Maybe you won't understand what I say here.
Maybe you won't feel the same as me.

Some of my friends fullfill their dreams while I forget mine.
The depth of my sorrows can't be describe by this lines.
If I find the way to tell you will you hear me?
Will you understand me without judgment?

I build up a dick wall behind me a retreat where I can live alone.
I build up this to protect you from my pain.
I sometime think it is better to hide that death can be the better way
To say I can't no more.
But is that so? Do you understand me?

I am in a turmoil a thunderstorm.
I am feeling not at the right place.
I am not my real self.
I am the dangerous one to me.

Maybe you didn't imagine that.
But each people have a bad side!

dark clouds

I habe never been so far
In the pain
Maybe it is not the way

I see only dark clouds on the sea
As I left the shore
Now I am in the storm
And I don't see the end

My mind wander between both feeling
Joy and pain
I feel my breath short my mind creepy
My body miss some energy
To fight back

My mind don't want to dream
My mind don't want to tell
What it really happen
When my face is rainy

My mind feel tiredness
And I wish to see ray of light
On the blue sky
Happiness on my heart and a smile

A morning in New Orléans

This morning I just wake up and take my tablet. I go on the music plateforme I use commonly. I find an artist called Leila Mc Calla.

I just close my eyes direction Louisiana French English part of US. Where the music is blue of blues, the country side is full of swamps on the rivers. We can hear creole, french, English where people wonder why french love their state so much! We are cousins specially where I live and the regions nearby our ancestors could be the same. Cajun spirit let the frenchies dream we forget the old languages not there. Probably the accent they used long time ago here facinate us !

receiving emails

Thank you dear crazy friend to be right by my side even far! Thank you for all the good memories we shared together and we will share! Ur ann'


I awaited her email since a long time! Thinking about her! When I met her I was in bad conditions I only get the virus called depression. She brighten a part of my days. The year ended...I have ever hated winter she was coming at the good time.

I don't know how to describe my friend lyn. She is only someone I cherish more like a real old sister. I can say that she live in a country so far away of mine in south america. The only word I can use as she ever do is crazy to describe her.

She is also introverted as a lot of the friend I love to be with. I discover the one who have similarities with me in some points. More I talked to her more I felt understand! That was marvelous I didn't felt that with someone since a long time!

I am blessed to live in the area of the technologies such as INTERNET even I am not of the Y generation. I use it commonly to communicate and I didn't imagine that can be useful to use it to stay in touch with american citizen!

I just miss presence of the friends I love the most! I can't travel anymore! That let me become mad...so writing help to not suffer too much as it ever did before..?

when I met him part2

Chris called me to say he was arrived near the central park entrance. I was late and just thought about his blue eyes.

When I finally arrived to him I just closed my eyes to get the kiss. I felt his lip in mine and then the tongue. That was deliciously wet !

He took my hand and we made a walk in the park. It was a clear and warm afternoon. I felt so happy and blessed to be with him. I realized how I was in love and how that deepen my feminity.

The evening sorry but I didn't remember as I drank too much. I was just laughing each time...

When I woke up the following morning I was really in a in between. I realized he was by my side by hearing his breath. I just took a look at him, I followed his curves with my eyes. I just remarqued I couldn't remember what happened last night. But that wasn't so bad to me.

When I came back with coffee he was almost awake and able to give me a smile.

-Amy...
-Yes
-Why have we waited so much time?
-I don't know my dear
-so...
-a women who was hurted several times loose self confidence and dignity. That was so to me. I can't explain you but...you are the one who trust me only with your regard. You cannot imagine what I felt before! I ignored what love really was!
-when I saw you with your broken heels I was worried about you. Suddenly you looked at me and... and...I felt something incredible something I have lost a long time ago...LOVE!

We smile gently. I looked from the window! He was taking my hips caressing my body quietly. I felt protected and loved.

We moved to eat in a small bar near my house we ate baggles. Then we went to the theater I didn't remember which film it was.
Maybe I habe letter go my bad emotions concerning love. I felt so different than before. Chris brought me things I didn't expected... And I won't deny I didn't need this!

process of a day

Well time is time...right ?!

Oka let me see what you have done today.

First sunny day
Second taking sun
Thirdly beeing with people who stressed me (arch argh!)
Finally laid on my bed seeing some cartoon

What a routine day :-$ :-$ !!

Oldies

Oldies oldies when they are calledGet back in some seconds
Inner feelings can sometimes be harsh

We forget but its coming back
The life isn't very easy
But it gave us memories
Some good some bad
It build a life made of mistakes and happiness
Pain and joy

People who survive
All their life are precious
To those who'll staying after them
Getting some memories of them
Trying to apply their values
To keep a life build as theirs




Oldies are here to remember us how to get a real and good life! To my grand mas who are resting in peace!

Island dream

Attend a party. Knowing you'll be shy. Just uncomfortable.

                            Feel you can be here. With him. BAD BAD.


Want to fly. Shut your eyes. Remember this island where you met him.

                     The sweetness of the time. The love was around.

Someone wake you up saying do you want a long drink?

Apologize to a friend

Sorry dear you,

I can't give my feeling to you. I feel something wrong between us. I consider you as regard  to some part of your own personality as my twin or brother nothing more!

I kept you last time looking at me and when I detected you eyes on me you did as if you looked somewhere else. That really hurt me each time you do so! I feel as the object of your desire and in return I know I can hurt you. I feel just friendship! I hope you too! Otherwise you'll be hurt as I was one day!
Now I am not sure I can find love again! I feel just ache and I am not self assured!

If you can understand that and try to keep our friendship alive! That will be the best you can do for me!

A.

Need

I look behind the window
The sky and the small clouds
My mind wander searching your comfort
Your arms around me
Your sweetness
Your protection

Sometimes
I think of you
You that I don't know

I wish you appear
I wish you can knock at the door
Right now
To protect myself of my inner bad thoughts

I get enough to fight alone
I get enough to feel alone
The time is passing by
And my heart stay to ache
Around me people are happy
I wanna share with you
If you can give me a heartbit again
For instance my mind wander and want badly
You by my side

when I met him

I was going through a deep storm when he appeared assuring me he'll love me. My mind was a real mess since few months. I didn't believe to anything good I saw only the black cloud not the blue sky not far away. We met weirdly by accident if I can say that.

We were at a meeting and I have Brocken my heels in the stairs. He was just after me and came to rescue me when he saw me falling. His wonderful blue eyes retained my attention!

He decide to offer me a long drink after this long day of work. What I didn't expect is that he was a real Don Juan. His blue eyes expressed a light of love, a sincere and optimistic look on me. First I prefer to stay cautious then he made me delight our time together.

Then we exchange our phone numbers and I stepped back into the real life. I came back home and totally forgot him.

As it was the cold vortex in NY I was home. I took this time to care about me and to build back my self confidence. I was delighting a good book when I received a call.

-hi you remember me?

I had the chance that his christian name appear on my phone.

-yes charlie how are you doing?
-I am fine only one person miss me in LA

I was blushing and didn't know how to answer him.

-you are in LA I live in NY. It is cold by us I am home for a while I think!
-I think we have to meet one more time! What did you think about?
-I don't know maybe. I just will have to do at work. I hope to step back soon.
-are you saying you'll be busy? Are you not thinking of me since last time?
-it isn't so easy. I mean we don't know each other well. I saw love on your eyes but I can't afford myself this for instance.

I played like Elisabeth character in pride and prejudice of J.Austen

-it isn't necessary to say that I am in love with you. I think you felt it.
-...I just want to reflect I am really sensitive I am lacking of confidence. Nothing against you!
-I will wait you till you are ok to that! Patience is the must Have of any human beeing!
- I want you call me sometimes.
-Alright then I will do this.

After his phone call I didn't know what to do or think. I was shaken and realized that the light of love in his eyes was true. Deep inside me I felt something but I wanted to improve if out were love or not.

Two weeks ago he called me back. I was delighting he did what he promised to me. That was a time of fullness. I felt specially loved I felt love to him in return. He didn't spend much time with me on phone but we decided we will meet next march in central park. Is that not the park of all lovers in NY?

Power of writing!

She wrote so much things that she lost her senses. This time she was seating at her desk keeping time to reflect about what she wanted to write.

She floated in a kind of cotony sky, she was absolutely not on the real time. She forgot how she could be so creepy unconscious of the reality. She thought she was missing a half life in the real world. All people marry all people settle all people think to get a great job all people really live, she really left this.

She wasn't disturbed by that she only said that she has had to DREAM while people live. She accepted this in between which is comfortable to not admit the rules of the real world.

Otherwise thought she I have had to dye many time. Dying of love dying of betrayal dying of loneliness dying behind death of other beloved people.

Behind her sheets she was contemplating the power of writing saying all this keep me away from death!

The way he appear

AI look behind the window a kind of small way waving till the road. The door at the end indicate it. I awaited a friend and the bell which will announce his arrival.

I am in love of him, the kind of things you get just one time in our life, the heartbeat, the hand wett and the feeling you can't hide your feelings.

The green of the garden quiet me a few time! I was pleasing to meet him after the several months longing. He come from London where he work as an architect. I was busy working as journalist to a local newspaper...I haven't seen how the time have past fastly.

The birds singing and the marvelous blue sky make the day perfect. I was delighted to receive Mark at home by such a weather.

Suddenly my heart feel something I keep my eyes watching on the road. A black Carera porche was coming furiously on the road. I think that was only people who are going through the road but it wasn't. The car stop behind my doorway. I get a look at who it was. A young blond girl get out the car and Mark follow. He was well dress even in casual. But something change in its way to behave. He was more childish joking with the girl while they ring the bell. I answer and let them come.

I just guess myself who was the girl. As a good friend I welcome him in then the threshold. Mark explained me that Clea was his coworker met in NY a few weeks ago. She wanted to visit england and he thought that the country in the Cambridgeshire could be great to discover. So he got the idea of coming.

I knew it wasn't just his colleague but more than that. It wasn't the first I saw one girl with him. But as eachtime I felt badly a kind of heart break. Mark never look at my reactions!

Only the way he appear and the time past with him is like a fresh blowing air to me. A break in the life's hardship!

love is an evolving matter?

Love is an evolving matter said she. What does that mean to her? In the past she was properly in love now on I can't say it.

I follow her since a long time to see that she try to hide her disappointment. She was only once deep in love and never feel the same now!

I know she do her best to not saying the deep feeling which surround her every time people speak about love family and so! She feel empty and not useful. She sometimes say to me I hate myself so much and retaining her tears say I loose all my friends because they settle a family. I keep focus on the best of what I give but really I get enough of it!

I give her tenderly my shoulder and say I know all that you just say. I try to calm her while she weep!

Wonderful fear

My wonderful fear
Let me wake up in the middle of the night
My cheat move faster

Calm down said my brain
My body do the contrary
My eyes are full of tears

My wonderful fear
Let me feel me insecure and alone
I can't describe what I feel to people
I prefer praying God the only one who can understand me

I can shine fine
But inside I feel dying
I do my best to fight
To stay positive
When people speak of hurtful matters
At that time I miss some friends
To get a shoulder to cry

My wonderful fear
I promise you to fight and win
I won't wake up in the middle of the night to cry
Because I want you away

Missing the train

I have missed the train
To get the same life as all my friends
I feel extremely weak
I think I have to be back to the oldies
When my heart could beat to him
When I got this innocent eyes
When I have power to fight
When I was self assured

I have missed the train
And I have a kind of regret
Because the world go so fast
Because I feel old
Because I let my friends go

I just guess myself
What train will come next?

Apologize

Hi people,

I didn't write here for a moment. I have done a new booklet of poem in PDF layout so ...that is why I was busy. Right now a new one is in process!

So ...I find back old sheet of paper as i did in the past that is why my blog isn't full of work. Maybe I will add some soon be patient!

Outside vs inside

I observe myself behaving with others and I realize that I found back my old self me!
The darker part of myself take place back ! Not useful to fight against.

I ever said to my friends what I say or do isn't ever reflecting my deep personality. Someone think that if I can't tell that I am bad so I lie. He can be my little brother and he didn't have bad time at all in his life.

Those who have experienced a half way to death can understand myself! I obey to my instinct and that is why I protect my friend of what I think and feel. The most bad things is that I can't feel deeper joy when good things happen to my friend...I hate that but I don't know how to make in a different way. It is unusual...I feel weird...maybe I s...k?

So otherwise I feel creepy sleeping so badly have no envy to share with the people I love the most! I only want to cry! I deny the fact that i have to go one More time to See my doctor...but what for? Only hearing that I am in a Bad Situation and that I am Stressed and depressed -.- !

My life is messy I See nothing new arriving and I realize ....that I have to change something...but what? I don't know !

Calling after teens time?!

People who can be 40 tell that they want to remember to their teen time. I personally prefer thinking about my early twenties...in the upcoming years I will turn 30.

1. First of all because my teen time wasn't a bed of roses
2. Then because I learned since then and travel a lot

As teen I wasn't good enough to make good experiences like now. I was so fragile! In a way I only can say that I ever care about my friends since then. I am nor hypersensitive and I assume that like some other kind of defects!

At that time I feel like my teen of 10 years ago...discourage and calling for help but I have wonderful friends who give a hear and give one hand too!
I have the wish to be useful to someone where I live! ( ie the froggys land!)

I long after a new trip...it is hard to see everyone around me going abroad! I wish to make new projects...but...I will see!

As I read on pinterest: "I have no resolutions for the coming year, but projects!"