Outside vs inside

I observe myself behaving with others and I realize that I found back my old self me!
The darker part of myself take place back ! Not useful to fight against.

I ever said to my friends what I say or do isn't ever reflecting my deep personality. Someone think that if I can't tell that I am bad so I lie. He can be my little brother and he didn't have bad time at all in his life.

Those who have experienced a half way to death can understand myself! I obey to my instinct and that is why I protect my friend of what I think and feel. The most bad things is that I can't feel deeper joy when good things happen to my friend...I hate that but I don't know how to make in a different way. It is unusual...I feel weird...maybe I s...k?

So otherwise I feel creepy sleeping so badly have no envy to share with the people I love the most! I only want to cry! I deny the fact that i have to go one More time to See my doctor...but what for? Only hearing that I am in a Bad Situation and that I am Stressed and depressed -.- !

My life is messy I See nothing new arriving and I realize ....that I have to change something...but what? I don't know !