I never

I never knew my friend
This deep happiness I got with you
My eyes shine as you were by my side
Each time I read you

I feel such understanding
I feel free to say you
What i feel inside and what it is so deep

I never knew my friend
Such goodness and kindness
I never regret the time I said
I am useless
Now I know it wasn't true
I understand that I have to hold on
Only to the time I wrote you this email
As I was depressed

I never knew I could be so useful
I never knew how I could be suportive
I never knew you needed help

Maybe now it is time to fight again
To all these things you bring me
To all the kind words you say

Just thanks to share
To smile when I make jokes
To be with me as supporter
Even far from me!!!

To C.M. of Detroit ♥ USA

You are fabulous ...my dear never give up ♥

something wrong

A long time ago I could smile and enjoy the life. Now it is different. Is it wisdom of years past to grow or just my way to seem quiet?

I searched perfection... I find nightmares. I fall in deep anxiousness...and don't wanna talk to none what happen. I am nomore acting but only observing. What I feel is that some of my friends understand a half of what I live but it is already something.

I just guess why I can't eat and sleep properly. All contrarieties block me and stomach ache increase. I try to calm me walking and going to parks seeing people moving. And sometimes I write my feelings only to stay alive!

I just realize something is wrong in my inner side. I wanna move ahead...but something block me. I have to discover what.

We use the world wide known DEPRESSION word maybe it is time to me to say it is by me so! I hope than my words will save someone elsewhere to fight!

Demons inside me

(I am who I am...just want it flow somewhere...maybe here it is better)

I feel a volcano inside me
A real deep pain
Stomach get wrisle
I miss my power to get normal things in life

I say I am OK but I am not
Demons inside me are acting
It is rough and painful
Sometimes I wish to dye to release from pain
I got through this before

I feel useless
What to bring when you are depressed
You wanna be in shadow
You wanna stay in a corner
Not saying a word
Even people tends to be with me

I am fabulously acting
To hide it
I am searching to seem good
What a fate and pride
What I really want is to feel the comfort
Of a friend...to feel the care of him

Demons inside me are acting
And I wanna still break from them

let me go

Images of travelers on my mind
Sadness engulf my heart
I'm prisoner

I want to go far away
To find peace and calm

Images of foreign countries
Give me a shoot of freedom

I just want to go
I was to yield
I am bad but I don't know how to tell it
So intense and deep
So hard to say I get enough of all

Let me go
Let me travel
Let me free

my English garden

My english garden is
The place of all possible

I try to imagine it and I find peace in my heart
I know nothing disturb this peace
I have around me friends books
A place to be
A place to dream

I just keep it in mind when I am sad
I just hope in this way

In my English garden you can find
A balancelle
A table and some chairs

A small place where there are a fountain
And some lotus
Some trees in the background
And the lighting of the sun in a morning

Remember..

Remember as Perec said...
Remember the last time you smile
Remember the last time you enjoy sun

Remember the time past the present
To construct your future

Remember....

When a friend spoke and save my life

(Real part of my life that happened to me last April!)

That was on a Sunday evening. I didn't met my friend as we have settled so she called me.

Before hanging on, I was surprised who was calling ? It was her. We get a 45 minutes call (which is a lot!).

I found peace after this.

At that time I was so discouraged sad and frustrated. During pur talk she spoke about her try to kill herself and...that was an electrochoc. She told me it was a bad idea to try.

I have to thank God who send me this friend of my road! I couldn't bear the deep sadness of my heart and I just wanted to dye. This is my way to say help me! I cannot support this pain anymore! And...as a miracle what I tried to say with other persons worked...she just heard me...without saying a word...without judgment...and I felt understood.

Some days ago I realized that while writing her letters. She helped me to heal myself!

I understand why I feel next to her even she could be my old sister! I don't know her a lot...I just feel things ache in her life! Slowly, I will discover...all.

I just wanna say her in my mother tongue:

"Merci de m'avoir parlé ce dimanche là ! Je me suis sentie à l'aise pour te dire les choses, tu m'as sauvé la vie et tu m'as aidé à me battre à nouveau!
Je te promet de toujours t'écrire mes lettres, je te promets de rire et de me reconstruire pour être ton rayon de soleil quand tu auras besoin!"