Selfreliance after loosing someone intitled: "Behind you"

( I wrote this to forget to remember to honor people I loved the most I hope getting understanding by all
it is just to gain selfassurance !)

Dear grand-ma'
I don't know how to explain but I have to.
Now I really need you and you are gone. I am deeply upset I told mum last year before my depature to Germany :"mum she will dying I will be there". All was happening as I told. Intuition bad feelings and thoughts,
No, I knew you was ill and I didn't want you suffered too much.
If you could know that I follow my studies as postgraduate you would be proud of me ! You told me why a practical diploma in two years? Granma just because I needed to grow up before going to university!

I just remember last year this febraury 28th 2011 getting these mail saying you were dead...that hurt me nor now...to remember this beach the sand the coat the pain ...our family united ...I was so upset to be the only one to grabe you as grand children and the youngest cousine of the family coming from Berlin. Now you rest in peace with grand pa' I never knew. I never guessed how that was painful to grabe him. I never ask you anything about our family's secret. I want to ignore this pain but I know it's not a good idea. I have to face my pain and I have to tell you goodbye.

Behind you I swear to be happy in my life and to do things you can be proud of.
After this line I have to say you goodbye and thank you to told me NEVER GIVE UP!